Folks here in Albuquerque like to make fun of Rio Rancho. They tend to use the famous quote “there’s no there there” when describing the sprawling suburb (which, by all accounts, hates to be called a suburb). RR residents probably snipe away at ABQ every chance they get, probably while stuck in traffic on Coors or Paseo del Norte, it is a fun little pseudo-rivalry between big brother and little brother.

While Rio Rancho might lack a defined downtown area, if there is a heart and soul for this ‘burb, it has to be Turtle Mountain Brewing Company, the soon-to-be 13-year-old brewery that gives ABQ residents a good reason to visit their northwestern neighbors. Ever since Turtle’s Big House Stout stunned us all with its deliciousness and came in second in the Battle of the Stouts on Super Bowl Sunday, Crew members have been trying to find the time to trek out to RR and visit. Thanks to the Professor Emeritus wanting to visit a fellow faculty member who lives in RR, I was able to tag along and sample not one but seven beers. Don’t worry, they amounted to one pint and the six-shot sample platter (which I forgot to take a picture of, but trust me, they were small tasters, just enough to let you know what the beer is all about, but not enough to force one to call for a cab).

With my trusty digital recorder in hand (there are way too many basketball/baseball numbers clogging up my brain right now), I kept track of all the beers I tried, and the Professor added some comments of his own.

Milkshake Stout: A smooth beer, not much of a bite. It does not compare to Left Hand’s Milk Stout, nowhere near as creamy. It almost tastes like more of a light oatmeal stout. A very drinkable beer. This would be a good beer for a non-stout drinker. Grade: B+

Cabo Lager: The Professor sampled this one first, describing it as pretty mild, at least better than a Corona (they served it with a lime that was larger than the shot glass it was in, hence the automatic comparison). It is definitely not a beer for someone who is a connoisseur of darker beers, such as myself. It was far more dry than most lagers. It struck me as more of a summer beer than a winter offering. Recognizing it for what it’s for, I have to give it a … Grade: C+

Super Steam: Even smoother than the stout, it does not have a bite, but a fruity taste that hits the back of the mouth. It leaves a bit of a dry aftertaste. It could be a dangerous beer, one that does not appear to be very heavy in alcohol, but with a 6-percent ABV, this beer could sneak up and bite you if you drink too many pints. The Professor added that it has that same drinkability as the lager, but with more body. One of Turtle’s better offerings. Grade: A

Hop Head Red: I originally thought this was the Red Rye, but on a second taste, it was clearly the Hop Head. A rare beer that smells just like it tastes, and vice versa. The hops jump up and punch you square in the mouth; for hopheads, this is perfect. For non-hopheads, such as myself, this takes some getting used to. It lacks the bite of an IPA and is drier than the Cabo. Do not drink this with any salty foods; you’ll need a gallon of water. Grade: C

Hybrid IPA: A cloudy mix of Turtle’s other IPA styles, this one checks in at 6.3 percent ABV. It has plenty of hops, but it is also very smooth. It strikes me as the type of IPA that I prefer at the Challenge. It is more of a classic American IPA, one that will not overwhelm your tastebuds or suddenly clear your sinuses. Then again, with all the pollen in the air right now, maybe we need more sinus-clearing uber-IPAs. For me, though, I will stick with this one if I am out of dark beers. Grade: A-

P&B Brown: The initials stand for Pork and Brew, an annual food/beer festival at the Santa Ana Star Center parking lot every summer. As such it is a softer style of brown, not really comparable to the nut brown standard. It is the type of beer to go with barbecue; it would never overwhelm something you would grill up. As I was without a half-rack of ribs, I was not as impressed as my past experiences with Turtle’s brown ales. If the Celtic Brown ever returns, I will be a happier man. Grade: B

Ironman Black IPA: After watching that awesome new trailer for The Avengers (I get to spend my b-day with Scarlett Johansson; yay!), I expected a powerhouse beer that would leave me dazed but strangely joyous. With a BU of 80 and an ABV of 6.8 percent (both tops on the menu board), this beast of a beer delivered. Similar to the Hybrid IPA, it has a powerful collection of hops that you breathe in as much as you drink it. Yet it is also a smooth little devil. It brought back fond memories of the Black Bear IPA from Hallenbrick. This was my favorite of Turtle’s current collection, but it may not last forever, so head up to RR, crank up the Black Sabbath, and enjoy. Grade: A+

And for those who need extra incentive to visit Rio Rancho and Turtle Mountain, they will be celebrating that 13th anniversary I alluded to earlier. The Hopocalypse, a Tapas Banquet, will celebrate Turtle’s birthday (and the end of the world) on March 22 at 6 p.m. Space is limited and the six-course meal costs $40, with beers served with each entree.

Check out the menu I snapped a picture of and if it strikes your palate as something you absolutely need, get in contact with the friendly staff at Turtle and have a great time.

Until my next trek across the metro area (that does not involve state tournament basketball at the Star Center), enjoy your beers responsibly and have a great weekend!

Cheers!

— Stoutmeister